Anti-Hunters Say Squirrel Hunting Leads to Gun Violence

Feb 8

The anti-hunting group, Friends of Animals, has apparently identified the cause behind gun violence in America. Squirrel hunters. The president of FOA, one Priscilla Feral (the irony of the last name is just coincidence,) is reportedly participating in a planned "squirrel hunt protest" in Holley, a small New York hamlet of 1,800 souls who have for six years been staging an annual squirrel hunt to raise money for their volunteer fire department. Participants pay $10 to enter. The heaviest squirrel of the day wins. Then everyone eats squirrel (unless a fire breaks out somewhere.) This year's hunt goes down February 16. So does the anti-hunter protest. "There's a national conversation on gun violence and the wrongs of indoctrinating children to thinking of guns as cool and thinking of animals as targets," Ms. Feral reportedly stated in reference to the unholy Holley contest. "Friends of Animals is going to invade the town of Holley to challenge these preposterous ideas." Preposterous. Actually, Feral's ideas on gun violence might have some merit because: 1. The U.S. has a fairly high incidence of gun homicide, and 2. The U.S. has been a breeding ground and hotbed for squirrel hunters since before America became the United States of America. There was the famous Pennsylvania squirrel rifle, a major advancement in muzzleloading firearms' accuracy perfected by and for squirrel hunters in the 1700s. Those rifles allegedly lead to major casualties for British troops during the ill-advised Revolutionary War. There were national heroes like Dan'l Boone and Davy Crockett roaming the woods of Kentucky, killing innocent squirrels by the dozens to feed themselves and their families. Naturalist John James Audubon hunted squirrels and reported seeing them swarming through eastern hardwood forests by the thousands during mass migrations. Presidents like Theodore Roosevelt and Abe Lincoln may have developed their preposterous ideas on conservation and civil rights after hunting squirrels. As recently as the 1940s, tree squirrels were the second-most commonly hunted small game animal in North America, no doubt giving rise to the rash of gun violence commonly committed by young, urban males born after 1980. Face it, America: we are a nation of squirrel murderers. Gastronomic gluttons of arboreal rodents. Our taste for squirrel flesh endangers the very fabric of our society. Let us hope the FOA protest in Holley comes off without violence. Remember, the roughly 700 participants in the hunt, some of whom are adequate marksmen and many of whom have probably been indoctrinated by squirrel hunting parents, will all have guns. And questionable intelligence. Ms. Feral, who apparently visited the mayor of Holley in an effort to talk some sense into him, reportedly said afterward: "It was like talking to someone in 1890 in Appalachia. This person actually ranted about how they consume every part of the squirrels." Can't we all just get along? # # #

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